Author: Jenna

Red, red, wiiine - you sang it in your head didn't you? No? Just me then. Right. Red wine has become my "go-to" choice of alcoholic beverage. When I was younger I didn't drink a lot. I went through the usual stage of sugary flavoured vodka drinks in my late teens/ early 20s, but not a lot in volume because I hated the feeling of being intoxicated. My friends would make fun of me going to a party with 2 Raspberry Vodka Cruisers - which would easily last me all night - if I even got through them both. I could drive home, had no hangovers, didn't waste money on booze or do reckless things that everyone else was doing. In my mind, it was brilliant. But then, as it does for many, In my early 20's I found myself in very stressful situations and life started to wear me down with ongoing family issues. Surrounded by people who were big drinkers, I entered a "beer phase" in my mid-20s and then I gave that up and found wine somewhere along the line.

What is a thought? It’s nothing, and it’s everything. It’s intangible, you can’t hold it in your hand, you can’t touch it, you can’t see it, you can’t show it to anyone. But, your thoughts are the entire system you operate on. Every single thing you have, every situation you find yourself in, every action, behaviour or emotion is triggered by the way you think. So, where do our thoughts come from? We spend the longest stint of time dependant on our parents, more than any other species. Human babies are entirely unable to care for themselves. We are not born with the same level of instincts available to us that other living beings are. Our thoughts are sold to us as beliefs from other peoples thinking. The thoughts of our parents, siblings, extended family, friends, teachers etc

We were in for a big Christmas this year, 13 people in total. Some of whom I hadn't yet met. I was given months worth of warning to prepare myself and I did all of the regular things to avoid an overwhelming rush of anxiety come D Day. The plan was that we were headed to a Xmas Eve party with family, which is an hours drive from our house, then to stay in a hotel the night, then to arrive back in the morning for present opening and Xmas lunch.

One of my biggest achievements, recently, was being able to run 2.4km in 12.27.Yes, I was racing to make 12.15 to join the NZ police and yes I was 7 seconds too slow but when I first decided I would train for this, almost a year earlier, my very first runtime was 2.4km in 22 mins. I am not joking. I had only quit smoking about a year prior and I had been smoking for approx 15 years on and off. I was about 5kg overweight and had never run a day in my life. The challenge was HUGE. Really huge.

Being in a relationship of mutual trust and respect is something I thought I would never attain, based on my past experiences. When I finally found it, I was absolutely delighted. It felt different. It is the most beautiful feeling in the world knowing that someone is there for you, someone who isn't going to fire your vulnerable moments back at you in the future and someone that you can leave, feeling confident of their choices and actions, even when you aren't around to see.

Knowing all of the answers is easy. I remember being younger and having an answer for anyone about everything. I knew a LOT back then, according to myself anyway. As the old adage goes; the more I learn, the less I know. I have always scrambled around looking for answers, looking for the right answer, more specifically. Believing that there is only one right and one wrong for every situation. I lived in a very black and white world. Now, I see grey. A lot of grey. Now I see the hurt that everyone wears and I realise that it's not just me that feels this way, it's not just me that doesn't have it all figured out. All of us are damaged in some way and no one is perfect. My dream of attaining some level of perfection shattered into a billion pieces, why? because It doesn't exist.

Here in New Zealand Mother Earth is known as Papatuanuku. In Maori culture, Papatuankuku represents both the nourishing that land provides, as well as everything living on the land. Papatuanuku is a female figure who gives birth to all things including people, trees, and animals. She is the female creator of life. If we all think about this cycle of life as an entirely interconnected force I think we would treat the earth a lot more respectfully.