All in my head

Do I even care if people like me or not? In theory, the answer should be no. In reality, the answer is definitely yes, I do care if you like me, I care even more if you don't like me. I have no idea what type of conditioning causes these feelings but I place the opinions others have of me in a very high place. When I think about it logically, it's bizarre. Allowing people, even people who don't know me to somehow make a judgement call on my worthiness. Yet it has been something I have always felt deeply.

Being out of control is the thought that makes me sick to my stomach. I'm quite aware that I have no actual control over anything. Yet I still make it my mission every single day to play pretend and try as hard as possible to micromanage every last happening in the vain hope that I may sway the outcome of all daily interactions and keep myself comfortable. Comfortable and more importantly, safe.

After procrastinating and putting it off for more than a month, I recently made a video recording of myself, for work. I have been quite disappointed with the finished product. Not for reasons you would usually suspect; my appearance or the strange feeling of hearing my voice talking back. But instead, I felt there was a complete lack of expression on my face as I was talking.