Do I even care if people like me or not? In theory, the answer should be no. In reality, the answer is definitely yes, I do care if you like me, I care even more if you don't like me. I have no idea what type of conditioning causes these feelings but I place the opinions others have of me in a very high place. When I think about it logically, it's bizarre. Allowing people, even people who don't know me to somehow make a judgement call on my worthiness. Yet it has been something I have always felt deeply.
Being out of control is the thought that makes me sick to my stomach. I'm quite aware that I have no actual control over anything. Yet I still make it my mission every single day to play pretend and try as hard as possible to micromanage every last happening in the vain hope that I may sway the outcome of all daily interactions and keep myself comfortable. Comfortable and more importantly, safe.
From the moment we are born, we are being programmed. It happens to us all. Think about the vital stages of growth that your brain goes through in your life. We are developing at an extraordinary rate from birth through childhood, teenage years and early adulthood.
After procrastinating and putting it off for more than a month, I recently made a video recording of myself, for work. I have been quite disappointed with the finished product. Not for reasons you would usually suspect; my appearance or the strange feeling of hearing my voice talking back. But instead, I felt there was a complete lack of expression on my face as I was talking.