Cue 2020. It started off with a hiss and a roar and then Covid arrived in our lives. The novelty of lockdown was a little exciting for me, something globally crazy was going on but we were happy in our little home, getting on with our bits and pieces. We certainly weren’t experiencing huge stress. We did experience an influx of work, but for a new business that was more exciting than daunting.

The first few weeks were heaven. No visitors are great when you have social anxiety, not having to be anywhere, leave the house, not really having to do anything. Temporarily, it was brilliant, the halt in time that everyone had always dreamed of, the time the back of the pantry would finally get cleaned and organized. I didn’t fear getting sick myself, nor did I feel like this sickness was going to infiltrate our wee country down at the bottom of the world. I wasn’t scared, but the unknowns made me feel uneasy.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when my mental health started to slide but it was somewhere in the weeks of level 3, post lockdown. I started to feel very strongly that something wasn’t right in my mind. That familiar cloud had drifted over me again and settled itself in. Soon came the tears, sadness and the knowing that I was in a bit of trouble and needed to seek help.

The day we were told Level 2 was coming up I quickly booked an appointment with my GP – the first one I could get. I think it was a week or so after level 2 commenced that I could finally get in to see her and I remember sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office holding back tears, waiting for my turn. When I walked in my doctor looked at me kindly and asked the usual “how are you” the tears flowed like a waterfall … they didn’t stop for quite some time. She was very patient with me and gave me a little time, despite the full waiting room.

I have a history of depression therefore we went through some basic testing and sure enough, it had returned. I was at a loss. I was doing all of the right things. Removed stress, eating well, exercising, maintaining a good weight and had completed a few years of therapy. I couldn’t believe this was happening again.

I couldn’t head back to my original therapist as she had moved out of town 6 months prior. Back at square one and having to go over it all again, with someone new, that felt depressing in itself. Anyone who has been through long term therapy will know that it’s quite the process, opening up and unpacking all your crap. Having to do it AGAIN and start from scratch with someone new seemed like torture.

My GP and I discussed the options and we discussed the most suitable plan for me. Armed with a list I was going to find a new therapist, but I was also going to try something new. Medication. Specifically, Fluoxetine aka Prozac. I was absolutely terrified about the latter. I expected to take one pill and then slump in my chair, dribble, wet myself and never be able to hold a conversation ever again. I thought my life as a regular functioning human was over.

I was terrified of being judged. Judged by friends, family, acquaintances, people in the community. What would people think? Would they be able to immediately tell when they met me? Like is there a smell you give off if you are taking antidepressants or maybe you have to wear a shirt that identifies you? I had no idea how this was going to play out. But I knew I was unwell and I was in desperate need to try something new. My doctor is amazing, I trust her, and she assured me that everything would be A-ok.

So off I went to the chemist, filled my script and took my very first pill. There were some side effects which lasted about a month for me (this is different for everyone) and I haven’t looked back. There is a lot of negativity circulating around pharmaceuticals, prescription medication in general and antidepressants in particular. A LOT of people in my life are quite anti-medication and therefore I was naturally sceptical of it myself.

I can tell you now that those tiny little capsules have changed my life. I’ve never felt so balanced or level headed. No line of dribble hanging from my face, no chair slump and no wet pants, I function a lot more optimally and the feeling of positive change was very quick. It’s not a euphoric feeling, it’s a feeling of calm. Since starting to take this medication I have been very open with my friends and family about it. The more I have talked the more I found other people who also take antidepressants. Very regular people, people like me, people like you.

I really thought I would be the only person I knew taking these but I had friends, family members, ex-colleagues, so many people came out of the woodwork that were either taking them, had in the past, or knew someone that did. I was shocked. So many different types of medications and so many different humans but all in all, what I was hearing was positive.

No longer did I feel like a broken mess, the only one that existed feeling this way. No longer was I some type of freak who had to be medicated in order to function. Now I felt balanced, I felt free from the cloud. I wasn’t dopey or high. I was me again and it felt wonderful.

Sure it would be easy enough to not write about this part of my journey, it would be easier to keep the “embarrassing” bits to myself but that’s not the point of this blog. I am sharing so that other people can seek help that they need when they need to. Maybe they can relate and not feel embarrassed or like the only one, maybe they can hear a point of view/perspective from someone who may have had a similar experience to them, someone they know, someone like me. Just a regular person who is doing life the best way she knows how.

The great news is, that I found a wonderful new therapist who I have been working with and she has been wonderful. A real breath of fresh air. It’s been amazing to work with a psychologist who is very relatable and who has taught me so much already. She can challenge my thinking and make useful suggestions which have sent me on a great path of finding myself and my creativity. I thought I had already opened my mind a few years back but it turns out I was just scraping around the edges and a new level has cracked wide open.

I continue to read and research constantly, this keeps me curious and my mind open. I absolutely love hearing other peoples stories about their journey with life and mental health. Not every day is roses and sunshine. Some days are crap and I stay under my blanket, only to emerge for food. Other days are very manageable. Far more manageable than they used to be.

Not everyone suffers depression but I think everyone lives through the ebb and flow of mood and energy. I think of depression now as a getting “stuck”. For me, it comes and goes through different periods in my life.

I have come to learn that we are never “fixed”, it’s not like some of us are OK and have it all figured out, and others don’t, we are all a work in progress. You, me, the doctor, the pharmacist and the therapist. We all have stuff going on. There is no day that comes when you are finished learning and you are now ready to do life in the correct way.

We are always being tested by life. Living and learning.
I’m not waiting for the finish line anymore, I am buckled in for the journey.

J

So, where do our thoughts come from? We spend the longest stint of time dependant on our parents, more than any other species. Human babies are entirely unable to care for themselves. We are not born with the same level of instincts available to us that other living beings are. Our thoughts are sold to us as beliefs from other peoples thinking. The thoughts of our parents, siblings, extended family, friends, teachers etc … everything we think as a young person was planted there by another person, based on their perspectives. As adults, we have a responsibility to challenge our thinking, learn new ways of thinking when old thought patterns keep us trapped and stuck. We have the ability to change our minds.

Over our lives, we live in many bodies, from a tiny bald infant body to a toddler body, to a child body, awkward teen and finally adult. Depending on our age, our body has zero cells that we started with; these are all replaced and replenished. So to should our thoughts be. As we learn and expand our minds, our thoughts evolve. We are only stuck in negative thinking patterns if we allow ourselves to be.

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used to create them”

– Albert Einstein

The way we think affects our entire way of being. It affects our relationships, the way we take care of our own bodies, the way we manifest disease into ourselves and the way we can also expel it. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is “what you think you shall be”. If you think in lack, lack is what you will continue to receive and if you think in abundance, abundance is what you will continue to receive. You are the designer of your own life. When you change your thinking, your perspective changes, as does your experience of life.

When we think about other people and their behaviours, how they affect our lives we can either take their actions personally, we can concern ourselves with their behaviours or we can separate ourselves from it and move forward in our own journey. The notion that you can change another person, or that they even need changing is just ego. No matter how much you “wish” another person would be different, they never will be, unless they choose to be. The only choice you can make is about the way you think.

Stress is caused by our thinking. There is no stress that exists in the world, it is merely our perception of our experience and our thought cycles create stress reactions, behaviours, emotions and feelings. With practice, you can gain control of your thoughts. You aren’t a slave to them and they don’t need to leave you crying on the sideline every day wondering what the hell is going on?! Like anything, practice makes perfect. You can start by merely monitoring your thoughts using a journal. You can write down any thoughts that pop up, analyse them, where did they come from? Who put them there? Are they yours or a parents thoughts? Are they a grandparents thoughts? Are they true? Examine them all one by one and draw your own conclusions based on your real experiences rather than what you’ve been told. Of course, this isn’t an immediate process, these thoughts take years to sift through and examine but you are in the driver’s seat and you get to decide.

“If you believe it will work out you will see opportunity. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles”

– Wayne Dyer

Prejudice, racism, sexism, extreme political views, and bigotry are all examples of ideas that are generational in a lot of people. No one is born racist, a bigot or homophobic. We are taught these hateful thinking patterns by people who have had influence over us at some point in our lives. A lot of these type of ideas are born of greed, fear and control. Born out of institutions, governments and religions to conform the masses to a single way of thinking. Why? Because people are easier to manage and control this way.

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

You have a choice to change your life, change your community and change the world by getting authentic in your thinking. If you ever feel like your thoughts are playing a game of ping pong in your mind and you have no control, just know that you can take control. There is so much written about the subject that you will be inundated with the information once you get started researching. It takes practice and it takes starting small. The learning/thinking journey is endless, we constantly evolve over time and should always be open to new ways of thinking.

Change your thoughts, change your life.

J

J

Let me know in the comments.

J

Wherever you go, whatever you do, take care of yourself and your family, drive safe and remember – only leave footprints!

Merry Christmas
J

Knowing all of the answers is easy. I remember being younger and having an answer for anyone about everything. I knew a LOT back then, according to myself anyway. As the old adage goes; the more I learn, the less I know. Nothing is truer than this.

I have always scrambled around desperately looking for answers, looking for the right answer, more specifically. Believing that there is only one right and one wrong answer for every situation. I lived in a very black and white world. Now, I see grey. A lot of grey. Now I see the hurt that everyone wears and I realise that it’s not just me that feels this way, it’s not just me that doesn’t have it all figured out. We are all damaged in some way, none of us is perfect. My dream of attaining some level of perfection shattered into a billion pieces, why? because It doesn’t exist.

I had been living my life on autopilot for years – doing all the “right” things, and either avoiding or feeling extreme guilt, about doing the wrong things. I was a cog in the system performing as I should, being a “good” girl. Wanting, needing, craving recognition for being so good and often not getting it. So disappointing right! I was playing a role and performing tasks and duties that I didn’t want to do, all in the hope of receiving praise that I often missed out on.

Countless times I had been working towards a promotion or pay rise at a job that was only filling my bank account and leaving me with little joy or satisfaction. So much of our time and energy is spent contributing to GDP and I am now a firm believer that we can create income any way we chose and that it should be created by fulfilling some innate desire inside of you. The idea of entrepreneurship/self-employment can seem scary. But, I don’t think it’s as scary as working day after day in a job that sucks away your soul. Covid has proved that even those safe office jobs aren’t so safe after all.

Keeping slim, wearing correct makeup, wearing heels, dressing in a pleasing way was all part of my grind. At one point I was considering a boob job and botox. I was very close to booking both in. All power to those women who want to do this but I didn’t want it. I wanted to simply improve myself so I would be noticed. I wanted to be good enough like everyone else seemed to be. I thought that if I changed myself then I would be recognised. I hadn’t stopped to realise that I was trying to be recognised by the wrong people.

I often travelled overseas for work, and holidays, because it was seen as the “winning” thing to do. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do in order to be successful. Successful people travel internationally. However, travelling sets off my anxiety like nothing else. I have never felt comfortable in airports, on planes, in other countries and I always want to get home ASAP. Yet I thought if I could throw a few tourist pics on FB and tell people next time I saw them that I had just been to America, again, they might think I knew what I was doing, they might even think I have got it all together. Instead, I would find myself in hotel rooms around the world too scared to go anywhere in case this or that happens (thanks anxiety).

I am learning that “having the answers” can bring some sort of peace through control, it’s only perceived control, but nonetheless, there is a certain charm to feeling like you have a good idea about predicting what comes next. Predicting what life will throw at you, how you will handle it and how you will glisten your way out the other side like a bright shiny star. I have found since realising that the future isn’t promised to any of us, and with an added bonus of a pandemic situation in 2020, that no one has ANY idea what’s happening from one day to the next. What I am finding is that this makes it a little harder to plan and set goals. This part is unsettling for me and maybe for you too?

I keep finding myself trying to “decide” what to do, “decide what to plan”.
My decision, as you can probably guess from the title of this blog is that I am decidedly, undecided.

J