The J Word NZ

I am decidedly, undecided.

Knowing all of the answers is easy. I remember being younger and having an answer for anyone about everything. I knew a LOT back then, according to myself anyway. As the old adage goes; the more I learn, the less I know. Nothing is truer than this.

I have always scrambled around desperately looking for answers, looking for the right answer, more specifically. Believing that there is only one right and one wrong answer for every situation. I lived in a very black and white world. Now, I see grey. A lot of grey. Now I see the hurt that everyone wears and I realise that it’s not just me that feels this way, it’s not just me that doesn’t have it all figured out. We are all damaged in some way, none of us is perfect. My dream of attaining some level of perfection shattered into a billion pieces, why? because It doesn’t exist.

I had been living my life on autopilot for years – doing all the “right” things, and either avoiding or feeling extreme guilt, about doing the wrong things. I was a cog in the system performing as I should, being a “good” girl. Wanting, needing, craving recognition for being so good and often not getting it. So disappointing right! I was playing a role and performing tasks and duties that I didn’t want to do, all in the hope of receiving praise that I often missed out on.

Countless times I had been working towards a promotion or pay rise at a job that was only filling my bank account and leaving me with little joy or satisfaction. So much of our time and energy is spent contributing to GDP and I am now a firm believer that we can create income any way we chose and that it should be created by fulfilling some innate desire inside of you. The idea of entrepreneurship/self-employment can seem scary. But, I don’t think it’s as scary as working day after day in a job that sucks away your soul. Covid has proved that even those safe office jobs aren’t so safe after all.

Keeping slim, wearing correct makeup, wearing heels, dressing in a pleasing way was all part of my grind. At one point I was considering a boob job and botox. I was very close to booking both in. All power to those women who want to do this but I didn’t want it. I wanted to simply improve myself so I would be noticed. I wanted to be good enough like everyone else seemed to be. I thought that if I changed myself then I would be recognised. I hadn’t stopped to realise that I was trying to be recognised by the wrong people.

I often travelled overseas for work, and holidays, because it was seen as the “winning” thing to do. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do in order to be successful. Successful people travel internationally. However, travelling sets off my anxiety like nothing else. I have never felt comfortable in airports, on planes, in other countries and I always want to get home ASAP. Yet I thought if I could throw a few tourist pics on FB and tell people next time I saw them that I had just been to America, again, they might think I knew what I was doing, they might even think I have got it all together. Instead, I would find myself in hotel rooms around the world too scared to go anywhere in case this or that happens (thanks anxiety).

I am learning that “having the answers” can bring some sort of peace through control, it’s only perceived control, but nonetheless, there is a certain charm to feeling like you have a good idea about predicting what comes next. Predicting what life will throw at you, how you will handle it and how you will glisten your way out the other side like a bright shiny star. I have found since realising that the future isn’t promised to any of us, and with an added bonus of a pandemic situation in 2020, that no one has ANY idea what’s happening from one day to the next. What I am finding is that this makes it a little harder to plan and set goals. This part is unsettling for me and maybe for you too?

I keep finding myself trying to “decide” what to do, “decide what to plan”.
My decision, as you can probably guess from the title of this blog is that I am decidedly, undecided.

J

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