Being out of control is the thought that makes me sick to my stomach. I’m quite aware that I have no actual control over anything. Yet I still make it my mission every single day to play pretend and try as hard as possible to micromanage every last happening in the vain hope that I may sway the outcome of all daily interactions and keep myself comfortable. Comfortable and more importantly, safe.
I do mean EVERYthing; the particular cup I use for each hot drink of the day to the specific way the remotes line up from largest to smallest on the coffee table. For the past five years (at least), I have been spreading Vegemite with precision to all corners of my mixed grain, sandwich sliced Vogels that I’ve been toasting for breakfast.
The worst part of all is that I drag everyone around me into my little controlled environment.
If things start to sway off course, then my mood can plummet faster than a kid covered in soap on a waterslide. I understand it’s ridiculous that I expect everyone to conform to “my way” yet that doesn’t stop me feeling this way or acting it out day after day.
An idea was presented to me today. The idea is that we project our insecurities onto others. I had heard this concept before but today is the day that I joined the dots in my own life and behaviour.
It occurred to me, at that moment, that I often complain that something hasn’t been done the right way, my way, or that something is generally incorrect (according to me). I’m not blind to the reactions of other people and how this behaviour of mine affects them. I hate that I consistently do it. Always to the people I care about, love and respect the most.
I have come to realise the projection and the way I can make others feel – like shit. It’s not that I think others aren’t “good enough” it’s that I don’t feel good enough myself. I have never felt good enough. I am striving to meet the unattainable goal of perfection every single day, obviously without ever reaching it, because it isn’t a real place. In amongst all of the dream achieving in my mind, indirectly, and unintentionally I make other people feel “less good” too, like me.
I’m going to make it my mission to be more aware of the things I say to people. Especially around “tasks” because this seems to be where my overarching correctness shines the brightest. Pausing to think before I criticise and hopefully at that moment refrain from saying anything negative at all. Instead, I’ll be grateful that I have such beautiful people in my life. They’re the people I choose to surround myself with after all and the people who choose to share their time with me, my team.